its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
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kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Meow?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.