I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby