“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
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Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.