My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
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Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle