what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
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My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.