My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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every. time.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
when you are just born a rebel
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
From Facebook just now…
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
What a relief. Bring on the nukes