Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
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I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.