“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Friends that check up on you >
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*