Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
dutch is not a serious language
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.