[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
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Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming