15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
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i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut