Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.