Cannot stop laughing at this
You Might Also Like
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Good morning!
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.