Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
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I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
How it started How it’s going
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.