my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
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When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.