“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Greeting humans vs their dogs
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about