I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
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Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
*aggressively waits in line*