Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
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This can never not be funny 😭😭
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
#dnd #ttrpg
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls