“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
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“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Mouse
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.