WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
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Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
This pepper has seen some shit
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
But I really needed water water water
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”