Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
You Might Also Like
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
#StillHurts
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.