Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
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An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Found my door mat
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Saturday
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS