If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
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I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises