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Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me