“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
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I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My typo game is string.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo