[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
figuring out my emotional availability:
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.