Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
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I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Beware…..