officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.