Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
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Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts