Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
You Might Also Like
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
No, I don’t think I will.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.