When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
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Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.