[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
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BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I created you as mosquito food.
nature’s most graceful animal
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!