I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
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Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Meow
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off