Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
You Might Also Like
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W