I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
You Might Also Like
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Erm…
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Only Americans understand
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?