I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.