They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
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DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Received some very disappointing news today
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.