Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
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i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Me too door. Me too.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock