I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
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The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
sensitive skin
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey