a fool and his money are hey new iphone
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“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
This story is comedy gold 😂