I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
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Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Dudes named Chance never had one.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.