*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
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If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
very niche meme I made
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.