*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
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Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”