I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
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What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I like to think Iām smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not whatā
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my momās bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to thatā¦š³š¤£š¦š¦®
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we canāt write that
Newton: ok then write this āthe grater the mass the greater the force of attractionā
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.