Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
You Might Also Like
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes