My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
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Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.