Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
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Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.