Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
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You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.