I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
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Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it