“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
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Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Guilty! 🤪
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.